Is it really painful, smiling whole day even if you don’t really mean it? Sometimes in few occasions, it happened to me. I want to know, why?
Lately, I have been feeling some anger that were wrestling inside me to come out. It’s like I want to take revenge on someone. I remember the guy 10 years back from the telephone booth who threw me on the ground just because I asked for change: just fifty paise. The other teen from the coaching classes who bullied me whenever he got chance; because he hated me. The middle-aged government officer failed me on the driving test; because I didn’t speak his language.
There are lots of incidents like these where I was weak or helpless. And now I imagine the whole incident and try to relive those moments controlling whole scenario according to my rulebook. I make myself ‘Hero’ or I should say ‘Superhero’. I know that’s not me. But I can do that whenever I want. I can be ‘Hero’ just in my mind for one day, one hour, one minute or maybe for whole life.
The real reason behind this emotion fluctuation including the back-to-back violent scenes in my mind is that I want to fight with the God. Even though, he/she gave me many things at the right time which sometimes I think, are more than I deserved. I feel sad and sadness has been flipping through my nerve, tossing to break me or shaking me with its flow. The news just flickered on my hand, diminishing all the good things that were happening to me. She was smiling and excited, explaining the whole things very ecstatically. Traffic sounds were so huge but I couldn’t hear them at all. I was smiling and suppressing all my emotions what was tearing out somewhere inside my heart. I needed to be strong. I needed to look at my watch. I needed to say to myself again and again:
“Don’t break. You have a long way to go…. You have a long way to go… You have a long way to go…”
I didn’t cry because I didn’t feel anything.
I didn’t cry; because my eyes were red because I couldn’t sleep properly last night.
I can’t cry; because I have lot of work to do.
I can’t cry; because the busy months are waiting for me, reminding all the commitments I have to finish.
Why should I cry? Boys don’t cry. She is happy; so, I should be happy for her.
Why should I cry? Boys don’t cry. After all, she was the one who inspired me to do what I meant to do always; because
“Love is never meant to let you down; it makes you stronger so that you can go beyond the unimaginable.”
And maybe…. just maybe… who knows… One day I would become a ‘Hero’!