Last few days brought too many events and incidents that had a direct impression on my physical, mental and psychological level. Here are some of those:
I was given a responsibility to lead our next theatre show
One un-friending message which was hard to send but needed to keep my self-respect;
Performed on a corporate show where they talk lines like ‘Customer is God’ and ‘Competition’…. Oh wow;
The arrival of my best friend;
In 20 hours of span after the message I got two calls from the same un-friended friend which I didn’t pick up intentionally;
Received message from my father “Tell what is your progress for future?” And I smiled while replying back ‘Exploring more’;
Asked my friend a question like: “Did you ever feel strange when somebody asked what you are doing with your life and what you will be in future? And you cannot say a word but you know that it’s right path. It is what you will always be following but still have no idea where exactly you are going” and he quoted some Bob Dylan’s word.
“A person is a success if they get up in the morning and gets to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.”
Hard to believe that the group with which I am working doesn’t consider me as a ‘real’ member;
One good friend has come to my place from another city to finish some of his work;
We few old college friends were getting together in a Pub-cum-Restaurant and talking random;
One sleepless night because some random girl held my hand unintentionally and I narrated a beautiful story combining my unsaid dream at 4 o’clock in the morning;
Friends took intervention and asked, “What exactly is bothering you? Where do you want to go?” I blocked my mind to utter anything useful. They started giving me quotes on how sex is normal just like peeing in the morning which was weird and totally irrelevant;
Right now, keeping my calm feels like pretending I am on the sun with a restraining suit on. Pretending that I am happy was never so difficult. But looking into all those happenings once again I realized that there was no reason for me to be happy or unhappy; nothing disastrous happened although it was raining on a regular basis. Just few things are clear on my mind:
I am desperate for something.
Either I am in depressed zone or going to be.
I want to quit my job; actually quit the corporate world.
I want to keep my clock ticking.
I need to burst my anger on someone for no reasons.
I am thinking that it’s all part of struggle but deep down I know it’s not struggle; however I am not enjoying it for sure!
I have to run but my dreams are tied up
“Will this be over soon like a phase or this is another extension of distorted visions of me becoming something worth?” Asking myself everyday!