Since last few weeks, I had been procrastinating all my renewal projects because I did not want it. Just like the wind of easy wave, I let it go for a while as I promised myself a big break after completion of my theatre’s dream project.
But after some time, I realized that I had been deliberately avoiding the task. I even distracted myself by giving excuses of the urge for high entertainment like movies, series, tv, walking on the long busy road, waiting in the rain, etc. In this period, my behavior became little arrogant and from inside, I had all the violent and angry thoughts of destroying everything and everyone.
In the process of searching the real cause, I came across a word called Muse
Muse: An Artist’s Inspiration
Someone suggested me to find a muse:
A girlfriend – Huh, who am I kidding – with me ‘weirdo’; oh please!
A loyal best friend – far away, less talking!
A free-spirited wild woman – Never met anyone who claims; or
A wise old oak tree – Hmmm, that’s a great thought or maybe I needed an app!
And suddenly, it hit me – I already lost one, in a very abrupt way!
Did I have to get back to her? No way! The damage was done. Besides, she was not my girlfriend or friend or acquaintance. She was the one I talked, talked more than I talked to anybody, I shared my ongoing journey, I sent my stories, I sent my poems, I begun to share my dream as well. And still, she was no one to me; at least, she like to think that way.
What a stupid fellow I am! How could I let anyone introduce to my world without their consent, especially when she was not interested at all? The conversation was always one way. First person opened up too much and second person never spelled more than flair of words!
And that happened what was always meant to be. She stopped answering the call.
And that’s how you demoralize yourself in Wasteland Wonder World!
Certainly, I was lost with no idea whatsoever. I was failing on my confidence level which was always high on spirit and one of biggest factors for my motivation. Believe me or not, I somehow affected some people’s life (few told me personally). And this person was falling.
Now, the biggest question was how did I come out of this? For a second, honestly, I thought I should take a revenge but for what! Huh, amusing!
Once I figured the main reason behind my illness (the physical one), frustration, depression and vague attitude then I wrote to her about all the things that had happened during the four weeks period:
My anxiety disorder, over-thinking enigma, deep buried thoughts, annoying behavioral pattern and desperate need to become me again
There was no intention to resume anything from my side. It was a proper attempt to close one chapter with no expectations of any reply from her. In case, she replied I decided not to open the mail; not because I don’t want to but I was afraid I might not like what she would like to say. And you know what, she replied. The mail is still unread and it will be, I don’t know till what day! Yes, I called her muse.