This is the 14th day of 2018 and, probably, it is not the best time to make your resolution. Because in the initial two weeks, anyone with the determined mind would have realized whether they could complete their resolution or, not?
Determined mind – that’s how I am putting it.
Before I begin, I, being a writer, should probably feel guilty of using F*** on the title (but, it also drew your attention). But it was exactly how I felt at the end of 2017.
My previous company deceived many of their employees (including me) and destroyed our financial position by holding out our salaries since July. They are yet to pay. For the first time in my life, I am in almost 50k debt.
I resigned from my theatre group on December 15 because of the monopoly or at some extent, the dictatorship of the artistic director. My almost five years of association with the group ended with a long email, revealing the ungraspable truth and uncovering some of the two-faced people. I was (I think, am still) in grief not only because of my long-time connection but my belief on the values is broken; it was advertised as a non-judgmental and collaborative system to all of the members. It all faded when a leader decided to feel insecure of her pupils and colleagues achievement and wanted to take control of everything by spreading lies and blame-game politics.
I would be lying if I say that I was not depressed. I doubted on my ability to trust anyone, especially the corporate system (it’s not due to the last year only but my six years of observations) and I am still not sure how. My average sleeping hours decreased to 4-5 hours. Somehow I managed to calm myself and believe me, it’s a lot of effort to be normal in these situations.
However, I do not despise surviving 2017. There were learning, realizations and unexpectedly wonderful times.
During this period:
There were a few friends who lend me their support mentally and financially. I am and will always be thankful to them and be proud of them. This is also special because I am the person who spends a lot of time trying to connect with people. These efforts have gone waste for several times as they couldn’t care for it. I was on a verge of giving up all these and focus on becoming more self-centric (I am already) or, being selfish. But I was saved by all of them.
I visited my home after almost 1.5 years. I met my parents. I got to see my kid-brother, my big sister and her two lovely children after 2 years.
I watched more than 150 movies and a few tv-series. This is one of the things I do when I feel depressed and avoid sleeping. Those are not garbage hours; since I learned a lot about storytelling, filmmaking and the world.
There was a bit of serendipity when I stumble across my last crush and somewhat, my muse during my trip. I found out that she is still my crush. Not that, it may start something but we are connected again after the sour end of our friendship in 2016. To give you the picture of my weirdness, it was only our second meeting but both scenes were sweet without any awkwardness.
I became aware of the fact that I have delayed my projects for too long waiting for the right time. It was a self-actualization moment.
Therefore, I started some of the initiatives with an intention to actually complete it. These are not resolutions but goals for a larger vision.
365 Quotes, 100 Poems, 4 Stories, 50 Blog-posts, 2 Short Films Productions and 1 Novel
It seems unrealistic with my other commitments to social, professional and, if I am lucky enough, love life. I hope that this transition phase takes me to the high road where I could enjoy the habit of accepting more challenges. Yes, there is no easy way out!
I’d be really glad if you found this article inspiring. Only one suggestion – Do not wait.
I am ending this post with a quote spelled by my mentor (Taught me clown theatre), a theatre colleague and also a friend on my birthday last year: “Chase Your Dream, We will Realize it Together!”
You can leave your thoughts in the comment section or write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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