The Fear I Must Betray

A kiss would have been great. Huh, what a fantasy!

It seems like all my conundrums have come down to only one problem – Money. It’s scarier every day, not a struggle, scary!

I let my mind wander around creating new chapters, getting love and making sweet whispering pie. It’s a worry of the third world while beaten up by first world problems. The situation is exactly not that pathetic. I work as a freelance creative writer (no project in hand currently), do part theatre without any remuneration, take up filmmaking projects with no budget or profit of any kind and participate in odd marketing job within no specific monetary terms.

Wow! I am so bad at this.

Even a rookie receives some stipend for the data entry jobs; yes, look up for the pamphlets at the bus stop, street corners and some FB groups.

Some might say why I do not take those jobs, pay my bills and save some free time to do whatever I want. It’s good advice. In fact, I can do it with overqualified skillsets. But, drumrolls for the excuses, I get very little time after taking care of all the above jobs. In addition to my freelance work, I also watch lots of good movies and theatre shows or plays, increase networking, learn one or two filmmaking things from YouTube, read lots of different genres of books, write poetry and probably blogs and send letters. That’s how I can actually enhance my learning spree.  

Logically, I must sacrifice some of my curated habits to make some time for making money and sleeping. In fact, I am writing this post at 10 in the morning and I must tell you that I didn’t sleep last night, not because I couldn’t but I didn’t want to. This is an everyday story!

If you are feeling bad for me with two specific words “Poor Guy” rumbling in your mind, then please don’t. Because I brought this on me. I am responsible for this life. I deserve to face the consequences.

If you can see this as bullshit and want to slap me hardest to wake me up, then you must. I do not know the right way of living. But I am afraid that your tight slap with my full consent will not help me unless you also advise me the best possible way to survive this phase of my life without giving up or putting a hold on my dream.

Anything? You say now. I am asking you. Yes, you. Would you like to say something? Anything? I promise that I will at least think about it. Or tell me where to look – Let me inform you that I have all the skills filmmaking (creative and technical aspect), storytelling, scriptwriting, acting, teaching, poetry writing, etc.

Or, at least a hug? Huh!

PS: My longtime crush has once told me that I write to her for me; probably myself.

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